Kraft Tuscan Dressing

I just saw a TV ad for Kraft dressing that boasted that it is made from “real ingredients.”  Now what on Earth does that mean?  At least it’s not as bad as the ad I saw with the chef, in hat and white uniform, coming out of a men’s room stall.  As he passes a man washing his hands at the lavatory he says “Watch out for the shrimp scampi!”  I have no idea what was being advertised.  I wonder if any customer has ever been told when he calls to place an order “I’m sorry.  You waited too long.  We warned you that supplies were limited.  Now you can’t have our product.”  I am also amused by the TV ad that suggests that the product is so desirable that the customer may have trouble getting through on the phone line because of the rush to buy.  “If you get a busy signal, call back.  If you are put on hold, wait.”

Old Theatre Lady

I got real irritated recently when I went to the box office to pick up my “will call” tickets.  As I turned away from the box office window, tickets in hand, an old woman at least 80 nudged me as firmly as one that age could,  and said  “Get out of the way.”  It seems that her elderly husband was behind me in the line.  I wanted to punch her, but I didn’t think it would be a fair fight.  I got my revenge later when she was going up the steps and got her oversized purse hung up on the railing.  A long line built up behind her,  much like at a freeway accident,  until she got it untangled.  I hope the old bag ends up in a nursing home soon so she won’t be able to irritate anyone else. 

The Spa

I just made a reservation for Spa Ixtapan de la Sal in Mexico for a bridge tournament.  I called the reservation center, and told them that my wife and I would be there from March 1 through March 8.  She asked for our names, and I told her we wanted one suite for James and Mary Stewart.  After giving her all the other details, she confirmed the information as a request for 1 room with a king-size bed for Jim and  “Gary” Stewart.  I told her that “Gary” and I had a fight and I was bringing Mary instead.  She dutifully took down the information without comment.

Indoor Golf

I saw my first indoor golf facility on a recent trip to Phoenix.  You hit the ball into a screen and the computer takes over, determining where the ball will go on a video display that is within the screen.   Presumably the computer takes over and determines the trajectory and distance based on where and how hard the ball hits the screen, and you see the image of the ball on the screen as it would be if this were the real world.   The user selects the course he wants to play from about 30 choices from around the country.  I went over to pick up my two male offspring as they were finishing a round.  The younger one, Jimmy, was getting ready to drive a long shot.  Unfortunately, after a long preparation he completely missed the ball.  As he looked around exasperated the other son, Kent, who is always ready with a quip, said “Now you’re ready!”

Drunk Driver

Seen on Wildest Police Videos television program.  Guy is pulled over for drunk driving and given a field sobriety test.  Cop tells him to follow a flashlight with his eyes.  Drunk driver says he can’t because he has a glass eye.  Cop asks him which is his glass eye.  Guy says “both of ‘em.”

A Little Joke from Dr. Thompson

Bill Thompson said one of his colleagues at UTD told him this, so I am saving it here for posterity.  Old man walking through forest sees a frog.  Frog says if man will kiss him the frog will turn into a beautiful woman, available to do his bidding, whatever lusty thing that may be.  Old man puts frog in pocket and walks on.  After a few minutes frog asks to be taken out of pocket, and asks man why he hasn’t kissed him yet.  Man says “I think I would prefer a talking frog.”

Real Chicken

I passed a KFC on Saturday with a sign in the window that said “Made with Real Chicken.”  That worries me.  Does it mean that up until now KFC was made with something other than real chicken?  After all,  we used to take our children there!  Do they mean that KFC was always made with real chicken?  If so, that’s not what the sign says.  I would also like to know what artificial chicken would be made from.  This seems like a case of poor advertising creating more questions and problems than it solves.  I never really questioned KFC before, but now I am on guard.  Should I ignore any of the outlets without a “real chicken” sign in the window?   Should I ask for the paperwork from any outlet I visit to confirm  that the source of all their poultry products is an “accredited” poultry farm?   Should I write to the  KFC home office for a list of all outlets not promising “real chicken”? Frankly I am scared, and need help with this.

Rio Caliente

Just got back from 10 days in “Old Mexico” at Rio Caliente Spa.  Spa was correctly described as “rustic” in Trip Advisor.  It was in the mountains about 45 minutes by taxi from Guadalajara.  The high point of the week was a Scrabble game when Kent (also known as “baby boy”) scored 110 points on his first play with Quahaug, an edible clam.  Unfortunately he had to use the Scrabble reference book to find the word, but I didn’t say anything.  Spa was noted as a bargain spa, and it was that.  One of the resident dogs, Preciosa,  spent the night in our room twice.  The operators of the spa said that she seeks out the “neediest” people and attaches herself to them for the duration of their stay.  She was a very polite little dog.  When she wanted to go out early in the morning, she would make a tiny little bark so as not to disturb anyone.  A lot of old ladies at the spa,  cellulite everywhere.  The vegetarian menu was pretty good overall.  We were amused that the labels identifying items on the buffet called bread crumbs “bread dust,” and a sign bragging about the Spa’s water filtration system claimed that the filters could eliminate e coli bacteria, since the bacteria are “too fat” to pass through the filters. Programs were “New Age” stuff like how to interpret Tarot Cards.  I could see that the presenter could use the  Tarot cards to make any interpretation she wanted.  For example,  if the Death card was drawn, it could be interpreted as the “death” of an old job, or even the death of an old habit.  I asked her during her question and answer session what would happen if she drew a new set of cards a few minutes after the initial drawing.  I wondered if the results would be totally different.  She seemed defensive, and said that she would not deal another set of cards after the first round.  Guess that settles that.  She advised one spa guest from England in a public reading that he should stay in Mexico for 2 years to find his “destiny.”  Another New Age thing was “BioResonance Therapy.”  You hold a copper tube, and the machine operator touches the other end of a wire to several bottles of different substances, like pesticides or other chemicals.  When you have a “hit” the little copper rod he is holding vibrates against a “gong,” which indicates the presence of the chemical. The theory is that chemicals have an electromagnetic “signature” which is unique to each chemical.  After identifying the chemical or chemicals present (mine included solvents and pesticides) he puts magnets on your chest for 10 minutes to “leach” the offending chemicals.  The next day  a footbath extracts the offenders from the body. Pretty wild stuff, but the treatment was included in the package, so I did it. 

A Little Knowledge

One of our friends from the past loves to tell the story about her pre-teen daughter.  One day when she was getting out of the shower her daughter came in the bathroom.  Later her daughter said proudly “I saw your penis.”

The German Experiment

I was browsing a book in Barnes and Noble recently, and read about an experiment in Germany in 1964, where the underwear of 500 people were examined for fecal contamination.  The results indicated that all were contaminated, and that some were seriously contaminated (They didn’t explain what “serious” was.) If that could happen in Germany, it makes me wonder what the results might have been like in Italy, Spain, Poland, or (heaven forbid) France.  I heard a comedian say that the person who invented white underwear should be locked up.  Investigation, anyone?