Phrases That Drive Me Nuts

I am tired of hearing people say “At first I thought it was a joke.”   Somebody comes up and says a relative was killed in some kind of accident or “Your house is on fire.”  To think these are “jokes” pretty well proves that the other person does not have much of a sense of humor.  It is also obvious that the recipient of the “news” needs to have his humor skills checked by a qualified physician.   “I will never forget…”  also drives me crazy.  “Oops, I just forgot the time I shot so-and-so in the head.”  Or “I forgot the time so-and-so ran over me at the track. ” Could anyone ever forget such important events?    When the father comes home and finds his family of five butchered, or the firefighter who arrives on the scene of the 747 crash says “This was the worst thing that has ever happened in my life.”  I mean “Duh!”  What could be worse?  Two 747s crashing into each other?  (With regard to the father finding the slaughtered family I would look very carefully at his alibi-just a little tip for the investigators).  “You’re kidding?” is another response I can do without.  I much prefer the “Northern” variation “Get out of town!”  Of course the space fillers “know what I’m saying” and “you know” are well documented irritants. I used to have an old professor who started a lot of sentences with “I am going to be very honest with you.”  I always wondered if he was dishonest the rest of the time.   I hope that the government will look into these matters after they clean up the financial mess.

Kraft Tuscan Dressing

I just saw a TV ad for Kraft dressing that boasted that it is made from “real ingredients.”  Now what on Earth does that mean?  At least it’s not as bad as the ad I saw with the chef, in hat and white uniform, coming out of a men’s room stall.  As he passes a man washing his hands at the lavatory he says “Watch out for the shrimp scampi!”  I have no idea what was being advertised.  I wonder if any customer has ever been told when he calls to place an order “I’m sorry.  You waited too long.  We warned you that supplies were limited.  Now you can’t have our product.”  I am also amused by the TV ad that suggests that the product is so desirable that the customer may have trouble getting through on the phone line because of the rush to buy.  “If you get a busy signal, call back.  If you are put on hold, wait.”

Old Theatre Lady

I got real irritated recently when I went to the box office to pick up my “will call” tickets.  As I turned away from the box office window, tickets in hand, an old woman at least 80 nudged me as firmly as one that age could,  and said  “Get out of the way.”  It seems that her elderly husband was behind me in the line.  I wanted to punch her, but I didn’t think it would be a fair fight.  I got my revenge later when she was going up the steps and got her oversized purse hung up on the railing.  A long line built up behind her,  much like at a freeway accident,  until she got it untangled.  I hope the old bag ends up in a nursing home soon so she won’t be able to irritate anyone else.