Twins

Heard on the radio.  Guy says his brothers-in-law are Siamese twins, and are planning a vacation in England because the other one wants to drive for a change.

Golf Joke

I heard a  little golf joke recently.  Guy playing golf is interrupted by call from doctor saying his wife has been in an accident.  He goes to the hospital and doctor tells him his wife was seriously injured and would likely require round-the-clock attention for the rest of her life. “That means,” the doctor said, “feeding her, changing her diapers, and managing all aspects of her life from now on. “  Guy says “Why that’s horrible!”  “Just kidding,” the doctor says. “Actually she’s dead. By the way, how was your golf game?”

Weight Loss Books

I need to write this down fast before I forget.  I saw a great title at Barnes and Noble in the weight loss section.  Book was titled  The High School Reunion Diet .  That is almost as good as another book I saw in the self help section written by a “Southern Belle” titled  I Am Just Like You, Only Prettier .

A Good Decision

We recently returned from our second annual trip to Phoenix to visit children and grandchildren.  We planned to return on January 5, 2010, which happened to be one day after the Tostitos Fiesta Bowl.  This year the Bowl pitted  two undefeated teams–the only bowl game  in the country other than the national championship game to have this distinction.  Given the significance of this statistic, and the fact that one of the teams was from Fort Worth,  we planned to attend.  (I  remember attending last year, and enjoying the bag of Tostitos I found on my stadium seat.  A bag was left on every stadium seat by this most generous of underwriters.)  As the time approached to depart for the stadium,  we discussed whether the traffic clogged hour drive was worth it.  Unanimously we agreed to stay  home and watch it on TELEVISION.  This turned out to be a great decision. Padded chairs that recline,  quality snacks, and periodic intra-game napping opportunities made this a no-brainer. Not only that, we saved at least $200 in ticket, parking, and snack fees.  As it turned out, the beloved TCU Horned Frogs lost to Boise State, but still enjoyed the best win  record  in more than half a century.  I read  a letter to the editor this morning in the Dallas paper from a Boise State fan who went to the game and was surprised by the courtesy of the TCU fans toward their rivals, even congratulating  Boise State fans  on a good game.  I was not surprised however, since it is Texas CHRISTIAN  University we are talking about.  The most poignant moment to me was seeing the dejection in the TCU players as they went off the field in their little frog-skin looking helmets and pants.  I felt like one feels when seeing a child in a Halloween costume crying on a curb.  And those poor little fleshy TCU  cheerleaders and pep squad members.  I only wish I could have comforted them individually (not the male ones though; they are strong enough to handle it). 

Evening Years

Our retirement years can be described as follows:

Paying Bills

Taking Pills

Avoiding Chills

City Council Meeting

I was listening to a city council meeting on the radio this morning, and the discussion was  about  increased funding for health services in Dallas.  An advocate for more funding was speaking to the council, and asked “Have you ever went to the doctor and had him  say ‘I cain’t he’p you no more.’”  If a doctor expressed things that way to me I might be looking for a new physician. 

A Barnes and Noble Morning

Three days ago I was browsing in the humor section at our local Barnes and Noble bookstore.   I came across a book with an intriguing title, something like Farts: A Spotter’s Guide.  Mildly bemused,  I picked up the book and absently pressed the number 1 on a plastic box attached to the book (there were nine buttons, identified by number).  Now Barnes and Noble is pretty quiet most of the time, sort of a library-like environment.  I soon learned that the buttons represented various types of gas expellations, grouped into categories.  Option 1 must have been the loudest and longest, because when it began to sound, it went on for what seemed like an eternity.  Fortunately the bookstore was not crowded this particular morning, but a middle-aged couple across the shoulder-high shelves  looked up in surprise when the sound began, then walked away, not quickly but deliberately.  I wanted to hold up the book and say something like  “Pretty funny, huh?” but thought it too awkward.  I managed to get away from the area unnoticed  (I think)  before the children’s story time began. 

High School Reunion

Over the past weekend I attended a 50th high school reunion.  Actually it was not my reunion, but the class one year before (same high school).  I went as a warm-up for my own reunion next year.  In the afternoon we had a tour of the high school, led by the principal, who barely looked old enough to drive.  I remember our stern old principal  looked like Abraham Lincoln, tall, lanky, and humorless.  The school looked pretty much the same, but it sure seemed smaller than I remember it.  My old home room looked absolutely tiny.  I went with another chum from my same class in high school, and he happened to be driving his DAUGHTER’S Maserati.  The car attracted quite a bit of attention from the current students, who were milling around the whole time we were on tour.   One of the big differences between then and now is that now the inner campus is behind iron gates, I guess to prevent vandalism.   Also, parking is impossible without a permit.  In our day we could drive up right to the building and always find a space.  We met in the auditorium to begin the orientation, and I noticed that the seats must have been replaced with smaller ones, since they were much more snug than I remember them.  At night we had a reception at a restaurant  in Ridglea on the patio.  Everyone had name tags with a picture unless he or she was a spouse or crasher, as we were.  People walked around all evening looking at name tags, and usually ignored those with just names and no pictures.  I saw one “kid” I remember as a husky football player (a center), who wore overalls this particular  evening and was all bent over with a cane.  Not much of a threat any more.  It seemed that a lot of the class had memory problems.  I was talking with a couple of them  about the old days at the clubs on the Jacksboro Highway.  One of them kept calling it the Jacksonville Highway.  I also met another woman from my class of 1960 who happened to be married to a member of this class of 1959.  She did not seem to remember me, even though we were in the same home room for three years.  I think her memory was failing, because she mentioned that several people were in our home room that I knew were not.  I chose not to argue the point, however, since she had pretty much lost her looks and was not that pleasant to chat with anyway.  After about an hour and a half, we left.  As I looked back at the group, I felt that I was leaving some kind of lobby party at a retirement home. 

Hero of North Dallas

The other night I saved a life.  I was taking my usual midnight walk when I felt a nudge on the rear of my leg.  I looked back to see a large gray dog following me.  He had a collar, so I knew he was not a feral animal.  Since  cars drive at ridiculous speeds on the street where I was walking,  I tried to catch the dog by the collar, but he thought we were playing a game and ran away.  I saw him run behind some bushes as a car came speeding from the distance.  Since I couldn’t catch him,  I held up my hand in a universal gesture of “stop” to the car.  The two people in the car did not stop, however, and the dog ran directly out in front of them as they passed.  They swerved, and missed him by about a foot.  I knew something had to be done and quick, so I got up in the yard away from the street and started running along, hoping the dog would follow.  Sure enough, he thought we were playing and chased me.  Finally I grabbed him by the collar and did not let go until we got to my house.   I called the number listed on his tag, but only got a message telling me to put in my password to proceed.  Thwarted at that turn, I decided to play host for the evening.  I made a dog bed outside, provided water and snacks, and planned to find the owner the next day.  About midnight the doorbell rang, and my next door neighbor said that his dog was in my yard.  I had never seen his dog, but had on occasion heard him (the dog) barking.  I  told the owner that  I had found the dog on the street and had put him up until I could find the owner. I gave him no details about the near death experience.  He said that he had had the dog for several years, but that it had gotten out while he was at the hospital with his wife, who had given birth that night.  I casually gave him back the dog, and decided not to tell him about the extremely close call.  I figured that would be  my unacknowledged “baby gift.”  I felt pretty proud of myself for my heroism that evening, and only regretted that CNN and/or FOX could not have been there for interviews.

P.S.  Some of you have called me asking for autographs.  I do plan an autograph session as soon as I  locate a venue that can handle the crowds.  I will invite all my female readership between ages 25-35 (no fatties, please).  Stay tuned for further information.

Farrah

In the fall of 1965, my wife happened to renew an acquaintance with a female student from her hometown, who was then an undergraduate at The University of Texas.  One day we drove this student back  to her dorm, and she told me that she wanted me to meet her suite mate from Corpus Christi.  For want of a better option, I agreed and went inside to the waiting room.   A few minutes later she came down with Farrah Fawcett.  Immediately I fantasized about whether I could annul my recent marriage, or simply run off as the South Carolina governor did recently.  To put it mildly, Farrah was a knockout!  I  knew it was important to say just the right thing,  but I was having a problem since my spine was beginning to give way,  and I feared I might double over.  When Farrah said “Hi, Jimmy,”  I looked around the room for an oxygen tank (not very common in a college dorm, but I’ve seen a lot since).   Anyway, I recovered quickly and responded coolly ” Hello there, Blondie.”  Actually I think I just made a sound, not really a word.  Farrah never did call after that,  so I decided to play it cool myself.  I hear she later found happiness for a few years with Lee Majors, but I’m sorry she died never really knowing what she missed.